As they lay her down
In a bed of wildflowers
And tickled her hands holy,
A grandson disobeyed her bequeath
And draped her with a rosary.
His frozen tears fell on tweed
And silk and perfume
The gaslamp was thereafter
Too lackluster and cold
To visit the fairytales by Bauer
His pillar had left his pediment
Dangling above stone
Who knew that facing a
Crucible
Could be caused by one of your own?
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Another absolutely stellar piece. I don't feel so guilty about this review, since I can actually make some suggestions. =)
Personally, I didn't find this confusing at all, apart from those two lines I pointed out. Even though you have a longer sentence at the beginning, and it's difficult to maintain clarity in poetry with longer sentences, you definitely achieved it.
I loved this. If you could just let me know what those two lines meant, I'd appreciate it. =)
-Adna
Hi!
This is a really tiny suggestion but I think you should have a period there, because you had one with rosary and it's a bit jarring because the reader is expecting the same sentence but then it goes on to the gaslamps. Punctuation in poetry is really flexible, I know, but I think it would flow a bit better with it. Also, it would help the slow, sad feeling that you would want for a funeral piece. (I think.)
This was the only place I was a bit confused, so I'll just tell you how I interpreted it: the dead woman's trial was caused by her grandson, so that must be the rosary he placed on her, against her request. The rosary is really gets me because (at least how I think of them) rosaries are used to keep track of Hail Marys, but the woman's apparently non religious. And, you know, dead. Maybe they were to ensure she would get to heaven, and then she'd be in heaven but atheistic? Or would her crucible be finding faith, finally, at the last moment? But she's already dead, so it's already too late, so...
So! I probably just got that completely wrong, which is why I think that this could be a little clearer. Obviously, there's something to be said for subtlety and mystery especially in poetry but one should be able to have a certain amount of that without leaving the reader very confused.
I think I understood what the scenario was, although again, I probably got it wrong, but I do agree with June that it's hard to get the point - you definitely have a talent for words, but this could be cleaned up some. Don't make it too obvious, but don't hide away the meaning either.
Hope this helps.
I happened to copy and paste this, and it was an older version of the poem, it's supposed to be hands instead of feet. This means the Last Rites, but I can see how that'd be confusing. Also, I like the use of both ands.
But thank you for the review.
Hi there, Penelope! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to critique this for you.
I had a tricky time understanding this, because holy doesn't seem to connect to any other part of this. I can understand if it were holy feet, but right now, it's a bit tough to catch the meaning of this, dear, because the next line follows as:
So, it's a bit tough with this order of words to understand what you are trying to say. Who is tickling her feet, though? Is it the wildflowers or a grandson?
There are little points like this in a poem that should be stressed clearer than you have them here, dear, because your audience can easily, easily become confused.
Here, in the second line, I think that and should only be used once; end the previous line with a comma, and drop the first and here to make this cleaner cut.
I'm not going to lie: I think that this poem has a lot of strong potential to be a masterpiece, but the way that it's currently written is detracting from that.
I think that instead of using flat sentences, try to write your lines out using normalcy; write them as if you were speaking, and then add the dramatic touches that you would want to use such as imagery and the likes.
I'm having a pretty hard time catching the full point in this, but I'm not going to say that it wasn't good.
Hope that helped some!
Best--
Juniper